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[13 Jul 2006|04:37pm] |
I really don't understand why I feel the need to spoil David.
I think it's because it's how my grandparents have showed their love for me, and kept me happy.. So it's just something I do.
His birthdays saturday. I got him the typical boxers, and socks. Well, not to typical. calvin klein ;]..
I also got him a drawing pad, and tools for it..He's amazing at drawing.
Anyways...My birthdays on the 27th. I excpect a lot of happy birthdays and cards. So uhh...go to the market and buy me one;x.
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[14 Jan 2006|01:17am] |
Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that's your "Year In Review".
No January entries.
No February entries.
No March entries.
No April entries.
May- FRIENDS ONLY ( thanks stephhh )!!!!!!!!
June- I've decided writing in this would be helpful.
July-I just realized it's been awhile since I updated this thing
August - So i'm going to some new tv star celebrity thing...and uhh, yeah...it's in hollywood. September- What the hell
October-I'm going shopping today.
November- Is there a law against naming your kids bad words?
December- When I wake up in the morning, I hate opening my eyes right away.
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[12 Jan 2006|03:14am] |
I know he's going to cheat on me again. And now I'm starting to push him away..
I don't know how far down the road it'll be when he does..but I cant keep loving him more and more, only to have him leave me and break my heart all for one spontanious drunken fuck.
No. I can't be with someone who would even consider it.
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[11 Jan 2006|02:27am] |
Things have been good.
Well, things have been...okay.
I got three fillings today. It didn't hurt, but I was so ansy.
My dad didn't call me on christmas. I'm thinking I should call him..Just to make sure everythings okay..But..If everything is okay, then its going to be akward listening to him explain why he somehow forgot to call his oldest daughter.
I went to the cemetary to visit doms grave. it really hurt. it was the first time I wanted to cry when I was there.
Things are great with David. Jennifer and I still aren't friends, and it looks like thats how its going to stay.. I wasn't sad at first..But now, i'm just lonely. It was nice to know that even though I had no FRIENDS. I still had her. No matter what.
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[29 Dec 2005|02:28pm] |
I don't know why I haven't updated this shit lately..
Christmas was alright, I got a cute little coach clutch. My grandparents are out of town again so I'm staying at Ajas. I think new years i'm staying with my boyfriend though..
We'll see if he follows through.
OH and I want to see crash REALLY bad. I watched oprah yesterday and the cast was on there talking about racism. It makes me re consider how horribly racist I have been in the past , just because of a couple bad expirences.
Anyways, I'm about to shower;x so uhh
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[14 Dec 2005|01:39pm] |
My paid account is going to expire:[
I'm at work right now. Man that sounds so strange. I guess techically I'm hired here as a temp. I get paid 7.50 an hour and I work 9-5 or 6 or 7 or whenever my grandpa goes home.
There are certain perks to being the owner/founder of AGA's granddaughter.
For instance...I get a lot of respect?
Okay, I lied. there aren't really any perks. But when I come into the office I do get more respect than most 16 year olds who walk in?
I got distracted while typing this. so i'm going to shut up.
Friday I have no set plans
Saturday Dave and I are going to Stephs party.
Sunday i'm going to the show with Jenn.
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[11 Dec 2005|01:26am] |
Do not call me while you are that drunk David. You're my boyfriend, and I love you to death...But That doesn't mean I will put up with your belligerency.
Who wants to buy me a bottle of vodka? Its looking really good right now.
And salmon. Smoked salmon is amazing.
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[08 Dec 2005|12:03am] |
I feel like i'm to sensitive. Little things really hurt my feelings, even if I don't always show it or call attention to it.
Sometimes, when people point out negative things about me...I get really fucking mad/sad.
One time my boyfriend said " You need to work out " and I know he meant it diffrently than I took it..But FUCK. I was so sad. I know I need to work out. And SUPRISE, I actually do. I have a gym membership, and I have something to use at home, but why the fuck would I tell people that I go to the gym and I work out at home? No one can tell. It's not like my body shows an improvement.
Another thing that bothers me is when people compliment me. I feel like they chose to say " You have pretty eyes " Because they couldn't say " you've got an amazing body " I don't know. fuck i'm crazy.
I drive myself insane. I start thinking and shit..and it's badddd.
Like today I told my friend Ian that I have NO FRIENDS. It's true. I never get invited out on the weekends, I never get spontanious calls anymore, to go have lunch or go drive around. Nothing. If I didn't have my boyfriend and my few close friends, I'd be so depressed.
This entry kind of really sucked.;x
And what the fuck happend? I used to go to shows ALL THE TIME. it was like..the one thing that made me feel happy and good. I used to have a group of friends I loved. I felt comfortable, man. everything was great. Then I moved to Ohio, and my boyfriend cheated on me, my friends stopped talking to me, people who liked me started hating me..fuck ohio. fuck children serives fuck my mom. fuck air planes. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. FUCK APRIL FOR FUCKING MY BOYFRIEND. fuck fuck fuck fucvlkfdgxin
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[05 Dec 2005|01:33am] |
This weekend was amazing. Friday I went to dinner with my grandparents. They like to keep me close, so that I hopefully don't turn out like my Mom. I wont, because they taught me a lot of wonderful morals and values.
I had wonderful sex last night, and then got my ass kicked in scrabble. Damn them.
I cooked dinner for my grandparents tonight, and it was gross:[
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[01 Dec 2005|12:40am] |
When I wake up in the morning, I hate opening my eyes right away. I have to convince myself, that when I do finally open them...What I see will have been worth the struggle..
Finally, I have myself convinced. I've convince myself, only to realize, I lied. It wasn't worth it...Then I feel like not only is everyone letting me down, but I let myself down.
I can't understand why I act the way I do. I try SO hard to fit in, even if it's obvious, or not so obvious..I really do. I want to be liked by the right people. People who deserve to like me. But on the other hand, I want to be hated by the people that should hate me.
If I really did do something wrong, then I don't expect people to forgive me. And if they do, I don't want them to forget what happend. theres a fine line between learning from your mistakes through emotional and mental punishment vs beating yourself up physically, bending over backwards, trying to right your wrongs, when really...it was inevitable. Meant to happen. impossible to avoid. Sometimes people make huge mistakes. They knock people down like a fucking dominoes game...But, it's okay. It happens.
I wish I could just jump into peoples mind, as soon as I have a question I know I can never get a real answer to BAM i'm in...
" what are you thinking about? " I ask him, over...and over..and over...Nothing. I never get a response, and when I do...For some sad, lack of trust reason...I don't believe it's what he's really thinking. When people ask me what I'm thinking, I know I never say whats really on my mind. SURPISING since i'm usually so damn mean and honest...But with him, I just wish he would be mean and honest sometimes. For once. Honesty.
I want love and happiness. Whatever those two things are. I think theres a lot of materialistic things that we think are signs of love. Marrige, for one. Do I need all of that to bind my love? I know how I feel without a commitment under god or the goverment. Don't get me wrong, that white dress( or off white.... ) can be very appealing for a few hours.
What is wrong with me? I saw her today, and it killed me. She kissed my lips, and I tasted nicotine. That taste, is what lies taste like. She lied to everyones face who asked her. But me...How can she lie to ME. I'm the oldest, and most understanding daughter she has. I want her to talk to me, and listen to me and tell me the truth, and let me tell her the truth. The truth being...YOU REALLY FUCKING HURT ME. Did you ever love me? Not materialistic love, Because trust me, I know you didn't even provide much of that.
I'm not sure why I forget to breath sometimes. It's like I'm so caught up in my spiderweb of thoughts, that I forget the most important thing. I'm alive. I'm alive, and regardless of if I see it, or feel it...People love me. And those people are the only things I need to remember to breath.
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[30 Nov 2005|03:07am] |
I was looking through my old livejournal, and reading old entries, and I saw this
"I woke up in a weird mood... Like, the little things that I'd normally ignore, are really making me smile today.
When I wake up on weekends, the house is always peaceful. Usually because my little sisters taking her nap, and marquels out playing. And it always smells nice. Because my moms just starting to get lunch ready for everyone.
Then theres the weather. I woke up and went to the bathroom washed my face and blah blah.. then went back to my room. I asked one of my friends who lives up my street about the weather " Is it hot out?" he said it's warm. so I pulled back my blinds and it was so beautiful! it's the one of those sundays you see in movies. I can't explain it... But it took my breath away. I wish I could wake up appreciating life like this everyday.
And last night my step dad said something to me.. he said " we're all gonna be a family again. Pretty soon we'll be going to resurants and laughing and it'll all be good again" And he meant it. I could tell. Him and I used to be extremely close. Like bestfriends. But he was my step dad. Then alot changed.. But when he said that, I became the 11 year old girl I was when we were bestfriends, and he made me feel like everything really was gonna be ok... So now...I'm looking foreward to days upcoming.
a little emo..I agree. But it feels so good "
I can't believe I fell of all that bullshit. I was excited to see everything change. I have no fucking idea why, because all of the changes were fucking horrible. they killed me. They made me hate everyone and trust no one.
How the fuck could people be such awful humans?
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[28 Nov 2005|03:39am] |
I'm in an unusually amazing mood. WHAT HAPPEND TONIGHT?
Well, I know what happend...But why am I so happy=x
Gisella IM'd me but I didn't respond quick enough to talk to her=\. I miss her.
Jenn and I are have gotten a lot closer ( is that possible? ithinkso ). She didn't like the sashimi, but she loveeddd the crunchy roll and spider roll. I'm glad, because now I can eat sushi and gossip with my bestfriend.
I need to finish this stupid ass drivers training/ drivers ed. AND I need a job.
Uhm. so I'm definetly buying the myspace record volume 1 or whatever. WHY THE FUCK NOT?! i love myspace AND music. Anyone who says they hate myspace IS LYING. Myspace=happiness happiness=staying in touch with friends all of the time through one simple, easy to use, site.
I need a group of friends that is steady and not all over the place.
And, I need to get over my jealousy issues. it's lame. I'm lame. don't agree with me on that though.
good luck and get well soon to Stephanies sister who is having an operation.
Who wants to take me to the cemetary to visit Domenicks grave? I'd like to go soon. I need it right now.
I lost 6 lbs. but why can't I tell? fatty;\
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[26 Nov 2005|02:02pm] |
I just told Aja she's inconsiderate;x. So she closed the door to avoid me;x
sissy lala.
So uhhh David told me that he doesn't talk to the girl he cheated on me with, yet I see on his guitarists myspace, that she's going to be at the show tonight. Fuck that, I don't want him anywhere near her ever again.
I don't trust him, because he lied to me. I have a right to be controlling about that=\.
I hate him for doing that to me, and making me feel the way I do.
I really like this song by the veronicas or whatever. Call me crazy;x
So Jennifer and I are getting Sushi today. It's her first time. I'm scared I'm gonna get stuck with all kinds of sushi to take home. Not that I mind, I just really want her to love it so we can have another thing in common=\
I'm ready to go home, and sleep in my bed, and see David, and use my tivo and stuff. :[
Oh, and i'm never drinking again.
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[22 Nov 2005|11:54pm] |
Okay so i'm at Ajas and I get wireless connection;x.
She has school tomorrow so I'm going to be fucking bored as hell. Who wants to get sushi? Steph?
I'm here till sunday;x. sunday sunday sunday. It's okay though. I love it here.
DAVID HUNG UP ON ME TONIGHT. god damn it. thats so immature. he's 26, not 3.
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[16 Nov 2005|10:17pm] |
Name 10 things in no particular order that make you happy and tag five others.
1. Sidekick II
2. Arrowhead lime sparkling water
3. Pink floyd
4. Copper my stuffed dog
5. Sleeping
6. all nighters
7. Hex, my kitty.
8. Reading
9. Cooking
10. Significant other
I tag
1. Gisella
2. Joe
3. Victoria
4. Amanda
5. William
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[14 Nov 2005|10:32pm] |
Is anyone else pissed off that Laguna beach is totally not going to be the fucking same next season???!!!!!!
So, David said he'd call me if he was going to cancel, needless to say...He didn't. But he did infact, cancel!
What the hell am I doing? Seriously. What. the hell. am I doing? He doesn't have time to be someone I want. He said to me today " Sometimes I feel like being me isn't good enough for you" He is and he isn't. He cheated on me, so obviously he isn't, but then he makes me so happy when he's here with me, so he is.
Im being emotionally stupid tonight. I keep seeing stupid shows that are advertising for thanksgiving. All these happy familys...These moms cooking their special reciptes for their special familys. Baking with love, and not just ingidients.
I will never have that. And I never have. The closest i'm ever going to come is Ajas family. They're having me over for thanksgiving, and that means so much to me. Because this is my very first thanksgiving that I wont see my mom. even when she was in rehab, I saw her. She came over for thanksgiving on a day pass out of the center.
I type this shit, then I decide i'm a fucking idiot, so I stop. so with that, i'm done.
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[13 Nov 2005|10:08pm] |
So this weekend I went to bigbear, and completely ignored the whole world, with the exeption of a few people.
I caught two fish, but I'm not going to eat them, because I feel bad for them:[...
Davids coming over tomorrow, I know, i'm dumb.
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[08 Nov 2005|12:51am] |
FREEPALESTINExxx: Wait, you're taking him back?
sherries r us: I don't know Amjad
FREEPALESTINExxx: Oh man.
sherries r us: I want to..I like him so much. I really want him to feel like shit for what he did.
sherries r us: I always said I wouldn't be one of those girls who lets a guy cheat on her
sherries r us: but it's so hard..
FREEPALESTINExxx: You're going to set yourself up again.
FREEPALESTINExxx: If you take him back, he wins. He's going to think that whatever he does, no matter what 'rules' you set forth, you'll take him back.
Amjad is so right. It's hard though!!
I liked him so much, and I feel like I wasted my time, and emotions. Why are boys so fuckin ignorant?
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[05 Nov 2005|08:46pm] |
I bought this really cool chapstick that freshens your breath while you're wearing it....But David took it:[
My whole room smelt like peppermint because he kept putting it on.
I think he's coming over tomorrow=x. I REALLY HATE HIS BAND.
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[05 Nov 2005|01:02am] |
Dude, is it weird that I keep calling and talking to bevis and butthead:[.
-laughs out loud-
1 877 chat2bh
dude, do it. do it. do it. it's so fun fun fun
I went out with my three favorite boys tonight:D. Well, Joe and Jeremy...Plus Edwin. He's really fuckin rad, he's now on my favorite boy list;x
We got some silent orgasmn pizza. No seriously.
Stephs spending the night soon, i think. ' we have so much to talk about, we are so exited, omg omg '
I think I'm happy right now
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